Parent Dreamin'
photo credit: unsplash.com/ManuelSchinner
Today more than ever we are not alone in our heads. We have many voices giving advice, passing judgment, cheerleading, and questioning any given moment of any given day. Parenting is the most personal job we will ever do and there is no way to get it right 100% of the time. I would argue it is like that with most things in our lives but with parenting, the stakes are much higher.
All parents (at least all the parents I have ever known) have experienced some level of public shame when they have felt their kids weren’t passing muster. They were, well, being kids!! Our opinions of how kids “should” act are colored by both our own experiences as children ourselves, and our observations as formerly-childless adult bystanders. We have histories of spoken and unspoken “should’s” and “have-to’s” and “you’d better’s” that live on at a cellular level within us. As much information as there is out in the cyber-verse about child development, many people still hold on to these long-held myths. Don’t pick up a crying baby or you risk having a spoiled child. Children should be seen and not heard. Spare the rod, spoil the child. All of these we know are incorrect, inaccurate, and in many cases, harmful.
Even the most prepared parent is caught off guard by the relentless daily realities of parenting. Add to that stress the shear mass of judgment often in the form of “helpful” yet unsolicited advice delivered by somewhat well-meaning bystanders.
Children and families have always been my passion. Through my education and my professional goals, I have made it my life’s work to learn, practice and share anything and everything that promotes healthy families and healthy children. When I was pregnant with my first child, I was in a position to do exactly that. I managed a volunteer program that supported new families. I trained volunteers on everything from infant development to lactation to postpartum depression. I advised them on the typical issues families face after the birth of a new baby and some of the not-so-typical. So when my own parenthood was near, I was convinced I was “ready.” After all, I had the knowledge and experience of teaching this stuff. I had everything figured out. (Anyone laughing yet?) What a wake-up call when my sweet, bouncing baby boy was placed in my arms!!
Sixteen years later, plus another baby along the way, not much has changed. On any given day, parenting two very different individuals with sometimes competing interests and needs feels just like that first wake-up call all those years ago. I believe every parent can be the parent of their dreams, and dreaming is an inside job.
The only thing we truly have total control over is our own choices: choices about the kind of parent we want to be, choices about how we exercise self-control in the face of chaos, choices about what works and what doesn’t. We have influence over our children, but not 100% control. We can read and take classes and commiserate with other parents. In fact, I highly recommend doing all of those things! But at the end of the day, our kids are as individual as we are with their own needs and desires…and some very inventive methods for getting both!
For me, when reality hit I somehow realized that I needed to just STOP. I needed to take the time to THINK and to PLAN what kind of parent I wanted to be. I needed time to DREAM. In addition, I needed to recognize where the parenting strategies of my parents were not going to work for me and my children. I needed to make some choices about what was important to me as a parent, NOT which boxes society was telling me need to be checked off in order to qualify for the “good parent” list. Life became a whole lot simpler…not EASY. Don’t let anyone tell you parenting is easy!! However, with reflection and awareness, my choices definitely became clearer. And clarity has made all the difference.