Destination And Desire

photo credit: freeimages.com/tim & annette

Destination is a question of “Where am I going?”  Desire is a question of “What do I want?”  Too often we ask the desire question either in the middle or at the end of the trip.  Rarely do we ask that question consistently before we draw the road map.

At the intersection of destination and desire is joy, satisfaction, growth and understanding.  The intersection can also include pain and regret, hopefully with a large side dish of forgiveness and resilience as well.

We are challenged at different intervals of our lives to identify our destination but rarely to clearly understand our desires.  Questions like “what do you want to be when you grow up?” start almost as soon as a child can speak.  Why don’t we simply ask, “what do you want when you grow up?”

Helping kids understand desire AND destination is important.  I can hear the objections now, “but they’ll just ask for THINGS.”  Sure!  Of course!  We all desire THINGS.  Kids are concrete thinkers and that’s how their brains work.  They will focus on things.  The abstract stuff like happiness, joy, satisfaction, to them, is some nebulous by-product that comes when you get the things that you want.  It is our role as their guide to help connect those dots between the abstract concept of “something greater than us” and the object they desire. 

Your teen wants the newest iPhone.  That is her desire.  Talk to her about destination.  What is she willing to do to get it?  What is the road map?  What are the sign posts?  How will her journey end?  How will she feel once she’s gotten the iPhone?  How will she feel about the destination?  How is the destination different (or the same) as the journey?

There is no doubt that parents have an uphill battle when it comes to our kids’ desires.  Our media, our society and, yes, even we set our kids up to have unrealistic expectations.  Food, shelter, love, security, unconditional acceptance; those are the things children HAVE to have.  The rest is just gravy….or noise, however you want to look at it. 

There is an even greater uphill battle that parents face.  The war within ourselves.  Our own definition of success; success in our careers and success in our parenting.  How do OUR desires and destinations conflict and how does that conflict live through our children and our parenting.

Every parent I have ever met, talked to or worked with has wanted their kids to have it better than they had it.  Our inner child rears his or her unfulfilled head and it is often easier to focus in on the tangible wants that didn’t get met versus the intangible ones.  Kids spell love with 4 letters.  It’s not iPod.  It’s not Xbox.  It’s not necessarily LOVE (although that’s certainly hidden within it).  It’s T-I-M-E.

When we carve out time to be with our kids, on their terms as often as on ours; when we take the time and make the effort to understand their desires, separate from our own; when we make the effort to be the “worst mom/dad in the world” and do the really, really, really hard stuff; we help them see how to get to that intersection themselves.   In our gift of TIME, we give them the “things” they truly need to ensure their desires and their destinations come together to live a long and fruitful life, happily ever after.